Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I genuinely feel like I'm drowning. Like there is nothing left of me at the end of the day/week/month/year/etc. to pursue what I actually want to do in life.
Fair warning, this is just me ranting into the aether. Granted I could just write all this in a personal journal and never let it see the light of day, but who knows maybe this will end up helping someone or maybe even inspire someone to make changes in their own life.
In the spirit of full transparency, I have not been officially diagnosed with anything other than PCOS... And meningitis that one time in high school.
BUT I have been learning a lot recently about adhd, autism, CPTSD, various anxiety disorders etc. The reason why is that things have felt... wrong. They've felt wrong for a while, but before learning about all of this stuff I just that I was a bad/stupid/lazy person who was weird and that's why I didn't have *true* friends growing up, and why from the time I was ten years old to my junior year of college I was CONVINCED that everyone would be better off if I hadn't of existed at all but was too scarred to do anything permanent about it because it would cost a lot of money whether I was successful or not etc.
Basically I know I am neurodivergent in some way, whether it was something I was born with or if I know have brain damage from past trauma. Personally, I know what I suspect I have, but because I am not a doctor I will not be sharing my suspicions here. Also people on the internet suck and I don't want to have to fight off gatekeepers and American medicine worshipers if this blog post ever pops off.
All this to say, my brain doesn't naturally do the things most people's brains instinctively do. For example: schedules and consistency.
On top of my neurodivergence, I have already started my career because I graduated with my bachelors in May of 2022, and am now working full time in the tourism industry as a branding and stewardship specialist. Which is great because it requires a lot of creativity and graphic design, and yes even writing.
My mom is currently pushing me to start dating again so I've been doing that and it's been fine. Like I haven't met anyone I can genuinely see spending the rest of my life with yet but I also haven't had any scary or dangerous experiences so far so I'm counting that as a win.
I am also studying to get my masters as a fun little "fuck you" to anyone who has ever made me feel less than because I'm convinced that if I can just be educated enough, smart enough, successful enough that will erase some of the deep emotional scars people inflicted on me in adolescence.
Another sort of big deal is that I have my own apartment and during the school year my younger sister lives with me. It's a very nice apartment in a really nice area and it's very close to school. AND we generally keep it very nice and clean and most of the time it kind of looks like a vacation beach house.
Logically I know doing all this will never truly heal me but also I like to brag. And bragging about how great things are going for me right now to people from my past has, in some asinine juvenile way, been healing.
By all external and social measures I am successful.
Except I'm not actually successful. Not in the ways that matter most to me. I severely neglect my mental and often physical health because I only have the energy to keep up hygiene and appearances. My personal creative passions have gone by the wayside and now the only time I actually create anything is if it's for school or work. And as a result I'm starting to think my identity is wrapped up in my production value.
But at the same time I am deeply proud of the work I am producing for both my job and my classes. Hell, I even submitted a flash fiction piece that I am extremely proud of to a few lit mags yesterday. I probably won't hear back for several months, but it's nice that I took the plunge and actually hit the submit button.
However, that piece was originally written because it was part of a creative writing assignment for class. It wasn't produced from my own desire to write, it was produced from my drive to meet a deadline and avoid bad grades. So, as you can see I have a dilemma.
You might be thinking that I'm just getting burnt out. Or that I'm running on empty too much of the time and I just need to reorganize my priorities. But I can promise you, no amount of organizing my priorities will change the outcome because of a beautiful thing called obligations.
You see, because of the society we live in I have to make money to pay for things. Rent, electricity, water, food, and gas are nonnegotiable because those are the basics for survival. And though my other obligations are not required for basic survival why the fuck would I only do enough to just survive. I just barely survived my childhood, what I want is to actually live. And damnit if the cute little clicky pink keyboard and mouse set helps me not want to off myself then I'm gonna fucking get it.
The point I'm trying to make is that something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it.
And maybe the answer is that I need to let go of something, whether its an idea or something that I do in order to better achieve what I want to prioritize. Or maybe its society that needs to change and reorganize its priorities. Or maybe my fears of extreme inadequacy are correct and I need to just give up on bettering myself.
Regardless of the answer I just feel like there is no possible way I can do all the things I have to do and still work on my personal creative projects. I also feel like there is a small part of me that thinks that even if I didn't have to do all of these things all the time I don't have the actual ability to do what I want without external motivation/consequences.
It just sucks.
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